it’s been almost 2 months since i saw you, 8 weeks.
And I'd love to be able to say that it gets better with time.. but it hasn’t! And if it is at all possible, it might actually be getting worse. I can count on one hand the number of nights you weren’t in someway featured in my dreams. Perhaps it’s because it’s the only time I'm not alert enough to actively stop thinking of you.
The wallpaper on my phone lock screen is no longer around to keep reminding me of the smile that warms every fiber of my being . I choose to see it as the silver lining about losing the phone, because as easy and as logical as it is to just replace the wallpapers with something else, I still hadn't been able to bring myself to do it.
I think I'm doin a good job keeping up appearances, I use the fact that I'm up earlier than most humans are required to be up as an excuse to do some DBT workbooks, the fact that I walk to and from work leaves me too exhausted to do much else when I get home.
My back has been giving me just about enough trouble to almost be mandatorily required to be in bed early. I’ve had one social gathering which put me off seeing people I'm not 100% myself with anymore, and more to the point where I cut contact because it felt like having drinks with someone who isn’t you now feels like cheating, which is ridiculous, but it is what it is.
Isuru has been coming over regularly… while I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s there so often to make sure I'm not going off the rails, which is perfectly plausible that he’s here to sort shit around the house, I kinda wish I didn't have to deal with him so often… I have to be smiling all day at work, and to be very honest I don't have the energy to do it once I get home too… But instead of telling him i was looking forward to a shower and a good cry before i fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion, I now endure a few more grueling hours with a smile on my face before I can finally sink into my grief once he leaves…
At first I was too angry to do anything other than just be upset with you… It was easier than this…Till I realized it wasn’t you I was mad at at all! What I feel now is a complete and utter sense of loss… The emptiness I feel on a daily basis scares me to the point that it’s like I have made my mind and body switch to auto pilot to keep me from falling apart at the seams…
Thank god for being a high functioning BPD, cos if I was your run of the mill kind I'd have been in bed for the last two months, and I no longer have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself. Either that, or I'm so hyper aware of appearances that my pride refuses to allow myself to be seen as broken after what happened. Isuru knows better than to tell you how I’m dealing, but on the off chance he does, he doesn't actually know.. and he doesn’t need to know the extent of the damage nor my internal struggle either.
That’s kind of what it is isn’t it? I'd never be able to come back and tell you how I feel anymore not after that’s all I did from day one… You said you didn’t want me once… And I will not ever put myself in a position to hear it again. I console myself with the knowledge that I gave you all I had and every opportunity … And while I was clearly not enough for you I'm coming to realize that I probably wont ever be. But the ball has always been in your court… But I'm no longer holding my breath.
I have ceased to be a concern, to the point I'm no longer even a blip on the radar.. for which I'm begrudgingly thankful, because I don’t think I could handle knowing you feel the same way I do and yet refuse to do something about it.
So instead I write everything I feel and am going through, on my journal, on a note on my phone (which is literally lost now) and on here when the words build up to a point that I can no longer see straight… So when I miss being able to hold you.. I write it… and pretend that the words I say land the way they are supposed to. When I miss seeing your smile, it write about it. Knowing fully well they go unread.
But as the saying goes “fake it till you make it” right?