A few Moments in time that changed my life

On the 24th of February i was ready for new beginnings, I had just moved to my own place in Nugegoda, it was 15 minutes away from work. i was excited, in part my heart was broken.. sure but i was ready to move on with my life and leave you behind.. but i was late… very late. so i had walked to the laughs supermarket and got myself a pregnancy test.

lo and behold on a night that signified my independence i found out i was pregnant. NOT IDEAL by any means, but surely it was a false positive.

so two days later i took another. YUP… no such luck.. it was positive again.

i sent u a message saying i needed to talk to u cos you wouldn't answer my calls, and i got a reply “ it’s a phase.. it’ll pass”

so true to self i went to the OBGYN by myself, cos in theory.. there was no way i cud be pregnant.. i had an IUD in place. so at best it was an ectopic pregnancy and cud be dealt with. i refused to believe or think of the whole situation as something that meant anything else..

but thats where i was wrong.. it was not only not a ectopic pregnancy, but i was informed that i was 8 weeks pregnant and that it was a viable pregnancy. All i needed to do was get the IUD removed to make sure it wouldn’t hurt the baby. The world i was building back slowly crumbled…

judging by the scans i would be due on the 26th of november he said.. i forced a smile and said i would be back with my mother or bf…

i never went back

now at the time i had just been given a massive responsibility at work. i was to be the teacher in charge for one of the houses for the interhouse drama competition, which meant practices whenever we had time, before, after, and during school. Weekends and late into the night.

when i would get home i would go online and read up as much as i could about what my options were.

Abortions are illegal in SL… and https://www.plannedparenthood.org/ was the website i felt was the best to go with so i settled on the pills, got a frnd to get them for me. that cost me an arm and a leg, but it needed to be done.

now in normal terms it’s very simple you follow the instructions, and 2–3 days later it’s all done… not in the least pleasant, but it is what it is…

now came the real issue… TIME.. i just didnt have any.

it was a luxury that i didnt possess. I mean in theory i was entitled to sick days, or days off.. but my boss at the time was the kind who would villainize me if i did…

(i had taken ill some time before, and she basically said i was unreliable for getting sick, as capable as she was, she wasn't exactly known to be the most empathetic human being, so asking for days off in the middle of the prep for the competition was just not an option)

so i had to wait… almost 3 weeks… during which time the morning sickness reared its ugly head.. only 4 ppl knew, two colleagues at work (only cos i kept getting sick, and was constantly tired), my best friend and the friend who got me the pills. i couldn't very well tell my mother, or family. the one person i wanted to tell wouldn't answer my calls.

in between throwing up at home and work, i was firing on all cylinders. planning sets, props, and working with a cast and crew of about 20 kids… editing scripts.. and barely holding myself together… i was exhausted.

and honestly… i was doing ok, i refused to think about the pregnancy as anything but something that needed to be dealt with in time… but then when the morning sickness made it’s appearance, it all changed… i was taken back to when i was pregnant with Nyla.. and thinking about how amazing it was to hv a baby.. i always wanted more kids.. and here i was , newly single, pregnant, barely keeping my head above the water.. and completely alone with no real support system to help me deal with the reality and emotional toll of the decision i had made…

but damn it if i let anyone think i was weak… i was not gonna grovel.. if you didnt want to know about the pregnancy, then u didnt deserve to know. so i would wait till the drama competition was done.

We won…. my team won the drama competetion.. and i celebrated with the kids, all the while knowing what the rest of my weekend was gonna be like.

what no one tells you about is the emotional toll it takes, it’s been almost 3 years, and still i have moments that simply break me… usually february and march are hard… November is worse.. now even when i get cramps for a regular period, im momentarily taken back to those 2 days.. the pain is a constant reminder of the decision i made… making an already bad time of the month that much worse for me.

as a rational adult.. i know that i did the right thing, screw religious beliefs.. i was on my own. i was in no way in a position to have another child, let alone take care of another one.. but knowing that i may never get another chance to have the family i always wanted haunts me.. and what hurts more is the complete indifference you showed when u finally did find out.

i understand u didnt want a child, let alone with me as it later turns out.. (although u sure played that line with me for about a year after ) but because you werent there.. nor aware… u will never know how terrible it all felt,

from finding out,to the doctors visit, the scan, being given a due date, to realizing what needed to be done. to having morning sickness….and doing all of it alone with no one to talk to.

Lessons in heartbreak